Overcoming my anxiety

I thought I would do a completely non-wedding related post today (I am sure some of you are relieved!) and talk a little bit about my anxiety right now. As most of you know, my anxiety and depression is something I have always been completely honest about and also aware of in myself. I don't deny what I have-I just try to fix it or should I say live with it the best way I can. 

I don't know when it was but in recent months I have felt myself almost reach a 'milestone' in my life when I realised that I only have two choices. I can either let it destroy me and ruin my life or I can fight it the best way I can. So then I asked myself what exactly WOULD help me fight my anxiety? Would it be to actually experience the things that make me anxious? So that then I can see that in actual fact, it's not all that bad? 

That is exactly what happened to me last week. For many, it would be nothing, but Michael went away on a school residential trip for 3 days last week and it was something I had built up in my mind for months. I don't know if you could label it as 'separation anxiety' but I do find it incredibly difficult in situations where I can't just pick up the phone and call my Mum or Michael when I need to. I'll admit I rely a great deal on both of them. When I have a plan in place, I am fine but knowing that Michael couldn't just call me when I wanted him to, made my mind bubble over with worry. There was only so much we could discuss it-I just had to treat the days normally, keep myself busy with work and just trust that he was ok. After all the months of built up anxiety, I actually felt really proud of myself by the end of it. No anxiety attacks, no tears, just normal every day feelings. To come through that showed me that the things that occupy my mind are not as bad as how I think they are. For me anyway, this was a mini milestone in the illness that I suffer from. 

These past few weeks for me have been life-changing in such a good way-for the first time I feel 'grown up', I feel I can take on what is asked of me, I feel like my future is exciting and that the things I grew up wanting to happen, like marriage and babies and the like, are finally happening to me. Me, the 25 year old woman who always felt like she had a 8 year old child trapped inside her. Don't get me wrong, she is still there but now it's ME, the woman, taking charge and doing things for herself...to make herself happy. The 2 most important lesson I have learnt in recent years is that you cannot torture yourself worrying about the things you cannot change and that you only need to keep the people in your life who put in as much effort and care as you do for them. I feel so sad looking back at the years I wasted feeling that way and I do not want to look back again in 10 years time and think the same thing.  It would be wrong and completely premature of me to say I had 'overcome' my anxiety as certainly it is something I will always feel throughout my life (I expect no less) but at least I can say that finally, I can cope and that it will soon hopefully become just a pale background in my life. I believe these next 2 years in my life will be making of me and I will become the person I have always wanted to be. Someone who is strong in mind and soul and lives life to the full. 

xoxo