When I dream....

This is where I go...

 

All images courtesy of weheartit.com <3

Cheryl and the black cloud...

It is safe to say it is one of those days today. I woke up this morning with that feeling I hate and a voice inside my head saying, "I don't want to face the world today, I just want to sleep" and it took everything in my power to fight past it and just get up. Those are moments I just hate and I feel so lonely. What makes me angry at myself is that I have 2 people right at home who would do anything for me and support me no matter what, yet I still feel like this. What is wrong with me? I guess I just want someone to notice I am not ok because I always notice others.

Maybe I chose the wrong route in my attempt to help myself-I chose not to take medication and I have also chosen not to seek the help of counsellors anymore. I simply fight it on my own and I know there are millions of people out there doing the same thing. It is not easy for anyone suffering from a mental illness-I often have to force myself to find ways to cope and whilst focusing on the positives in life is common advice, it is easier said than done. However it is something I must make myself do to allow myself to keep going forward and become a stronger person. 

I have considering recently about going back to something called CBT, which is cognitive behavioural therapy. A common technique for depression and anxiety sufferers, it allows you to question your thinking and try to alter how you react to things. It is meant to be a 'talking therapy' but it can be done at home. I bought a book a while back called 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies' which is basically a do it yourself at home book. I haven't barely looked it since I bought it 4 years ago and I feel like now may be the time to try it again. Everything is worth a go right? I have also compiled a few things that may help me feel a bit better and I am hoping to be able to stick to them over the coming weeks...

Spend less time on social networking sites-they are often more trouble than they are worth

Do not eat just because you feel depressed, in the end it will make you feel worse

Focus more on a favourite hobby, for example writing, and keep at it for as long as possible

Focus on the ones who are there now and who care for you

Realise I may not be able to remove all my problems but I can manage them in a more positive way

Don't take everything so personally

Continue to keep a worry diary if something comes up which is troubling

Keep organising fun things to do but don't go overboard

This blog I guess is my way of coping sometimes, by writing about how I feel and I know that there are others who feel the same so in a sense that makes me feel a lot less alone. I know that I will have a better day soon, I just have to keep that in my mind and remember that there are people who care  xoxo 

Me and my mum...

Yesterday was my Mum's birthday...she turned 21 of course! ;) But seriously, it was a lovely day and I did spoil her as always. She deserves it because she is a very special person to me and I just wanted to dedicate a little blog post to the person who has made me who I am today.

Being a single mum is never easy and despite times being hard, I never went without anything as a child. I have nothing but beautiful memories which I treasure all the time. My mum always made sure I was happy and provided for me above and beyond. We always had a special bond-being an only child and for the most part being just us in our little bubble, we of course grew very close and still are to this day. I remember so many happy holidays with my Mum and my Nan, whether it was to Butlins to meet Timmy Mallet or to Devon to see the scenic cliffs, we always had fun and we still always make sure we go on holiday together every year. It is just us 2 now of course but we always have a ton of fun and we often reminise about the past, thinking back fondly.

I am grateful when I realise how hard it must have been for my mum to make ends meat and to provide for me. We were never 'poor' but it frustrates me when people use 'living on a council estate' as a sob story. Yes, I often missed living in a nice house with a pretty back garden but I honestly believe that home is what you make it and we have always been able to make the best of things. My mum would always go out of her way to give me what I wanted (and of course when you are 10 you want every toy going...) and I never appreciated the fact that at some points, when my mum was working up to 4 jobs, that she was doing all purely for me and my wellbeing. 



So I just wanted to say thank you Mum, for being there when I cried but equally for helping me to be happy and for creating so many special memories with me. I hope I can be a great mum one day, just like you, and have that bond that we have, with my child, which is so tight it will never be broken by anything or anyone. I truely love you. xxx

I can see clearly now the rain has gone...

This week seems to be dragging by, how is it only Tuesday? And the weather is so depressing but it seems to be brighter today. I definitely feel happier when the sun is shining. My weekend was lovely though, really enjoyed visting the theatre with my mum to see 'Birds of a Feather Live'-based on the original TV show. Both my mum and I laughed the whole way through and if you are looking for a nice nostalgic TV show I would definitely recommend it. It finished in about 1998 and we've made our way through 9 series! Michael and I are watching 'My Family' at the moment, I never saw it when I orginally aired, I always thought it was just a copycat of 2.4 children (excellent show) but it's really funny. As always, I am a little late with watching popular TV shows...

Other than that I haven't been up to much, I got my new camera yesterday and have been playing around and posing using the different scene modes, I like this one here which is a filmy grain effect. I guess I will use my camera more for blogs now so watch this space for some more photos! I do feel like my blog posts are rather text heavy lol. This Friday is my Mum's birthday and I am hoping to spoil her lots. I have got her lots of pressies and we're all going to have a nice carvery. Unfortunately I am working but we're going to make sure we do something nice at the weekend too :)In a few weeks Michael and I are going to see Ladyhawke at the Shepherds Bush Empire (is that what it is still called?!). If you have never heard of her, I HIGHLY recommend her music. I am not really one for gigs but I have to see her live. Her music is very 80's electro style which I love and she is very original. 

I have also been super busy writing my book, I have hit writer's block a few times recently so I have taken advice from others and just left it for a while. As a sneeky peek, here is a tiny snippet from the book (excuse the spelling/grammar, it is first draft)....

That was when I saw her. It was mum. Not the mum I knew but it was still her. I couldn't believe that one minute she wasn't there and the next she was stood right near me, in the park where we used to visit when I was little. I took some time to get my bearings. Which year was I in? I noticed mum had a pink pram and she looked in her early 20's. That was when I realised that the baby in the pram was me. The little blonde boy pretending that a large stick was a machine gun, was Thomas. He was a cute freckly 4 year old, nothing like the spotty arrogant pea-brain I have to live with now. I stared intently as mum reached down into the pram and lifted me out to give me a cuddle. Of course it is not a moment I remember but when it happened, I felt a surge through my heart, like I was experiencing the same love and comfort once again. Should I go up to them?

Ah, I love writing about time travel. I love the fact that anything is possible when you write about it and you can just let your imagination run wild. I guess in a way I am sharing my own fantasies of wishing to time travel. If I could time travel, I would love to go back and see my Nan and Grandad again but then I guess everyone would want to see their loved ones wouldn't they? 

I will share some of the photos I take with my new camera in a later blog. I am looking forward to just resting tonight, Michael is cooking us dinner and right now we are re-watching (for the 4th or 5th time...) 24! Another fab show which I highly recommend. I will leave you with some beautiful time travel inspired images from a website I visit daily for inspiration called weheartit.com you can sign up for a free account and it's filled with pictures related to any subject...you could spend hours browsing and it's great for when you just want to relax and browse the web. Have a good week all xoxo