Behind the smile...

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I remember. I have briefly mentioned it in previous posts but I thought I would write a bit about my own journey and how I cope with living with it on a daily basis. I have to be honest, I don't tend to talk about it much with others as there tends to be a stigma attached to those who suffer when there really shouldn't be. I think a lot of people forget that depression is an illness. I also think everyone can be a little messed up in the head sometimes, me included. I don't think I can say I will ever be 'healed' and I accepted that a long time ago but what I do know is that over the years I have learnt more and more ways to cope and I get more happier times than I do sad. That can only be a good thing.

When I think back I often wonder whether it was bereavement that caused my anxiety and depression to begin but when I truely start to remember, I think back to when I was 8 years old and I would start to have panic attacks at school. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I wanted someone to tell me what the hell was happening to me and that I wasn't ill. I guess that was the start of it all-I had 'therapy' and discussed my feelings and my bad dreams and why I always panicked. I drew pictures with crayons about how I felt. I don't remember it helping much but I remember always feeling different from my classmates. I worried about every little thing-I felt so attached to my mum and whilst everyone else was starting to become independent, I just wanted to stay at home where I felt safe. 

I covered it well, I felt like I had to or I would be judged. When I lost my Nan, it all went spiralling out of control and to be honest my teenage years are a blur. I carried burdens and thoughts that a 14 year old would find overwhealming-I didn't care about school or doing well. I just wanted to make sure that me and my family were safe and ok. I never expected anyone to understand-I could talk to counsellors until I was blue in the face and they would always lead to the same conclusions. I knew the facts-I just wanted a solution.

As life went on, I began to form attachments to celebrities to help me cope and find a way out. It definitely did help and whilst I still kept my anxiety and depression masked, I had friends for the first time in a long while. I become louder (possibly annoying too...) and carried a fake confidence to get me through. I never thought I would meet a guy who could deal with my emotions and be sympathetic to how I feel. So I feel blessed that I did.

Over these past few years, through my own discovery, I have learnt ways to cope with this illness. I realised that only I can help myself and no one else-so in a sense I am the solution.  This honesty is a big step for me too-I do love to smile a lot but what is going on behind it, is never easy to deal with. I still panic when something happens outside of my comfort zone. When I meet up with friends I have to plan it all out in my head and if anything involves me being out at nightime, it takes even more planning! Sometimes I tell myself it isn't worth the stress but I actually think it is. I cannot let this illness define me-I am a 25 year old woman and I would like to act that way. Why should I let it stop me living my life? I want to live it-I want to be able to keep becoming an even stronger person.

As I said, planning for me is a key coping mechanism. I would be lost without my organisation skills. My panic attacks are decreasing because I now run through various scenarios and options in my mind-I like to call it rationalising catastrophic thinking-long winded I know! I ask myself, what is the worst that can happen? How likely is it to happen? Sometimes this helps me, sometimes it doesn't. I also wouldn't cope with this without the support of my Mum, Michael and in particular one very special friend who is the kindest and most caring lady I have ever come to know-she knows who she is and I hope she is reading this. The past few years she has been a solid support in my life-a true gem.

I feel like I am in a stage of my life now where I feel really excited about the future, I look forward to getting out of bed and if you'd have asked me 10 years ago if this was the case-I would have said no. I am ready for the struggles that life may bring. This post was meant to help heal me in some way but also to point out to you all that you can never truely know what is going on behind someone's smile and the true pain that may lie beneath. When someone notices you are not ok and offers to listen, it really means the world. I know it does to me....xoxo