Cheryl....pours her heart out

This post is not in any way meant to be about self pity, I am extrememly grateful for all I have in life and I know I am lucky but I guess...my blog is here for me to express how I feel as well as share the happy things about my life. I have been feeling low (hello black cloud) and rather rotten these past few days. Of course the 'back to work feeling' has hit me but it has felt worse than that to me this time. I have had 2 horrible panic attacks these past few days, one today which meant I had to cancel my plans and come home. I know that may sound pathetic for a 25 year old to say but it is hard to put into words what you feel when panic and anxiety overwhealms you. Your heart races, your hands get sweaty and you feel so hot, you start to think the worst will happen and all logic and rationality goes out the window.

It is not nice and I don't always talk about it openly with others but it is nice to put a little of how I feel down on this text box, probably only read by a few people but mostly just for me to get something out. I do sometimes get embarrassed and afraid of judgement about my depression and anxiety, I have to admit. It really shouldn't be like that and it's something I am trying to overcome, I never realised until recently that a lot of people put on a fake smile and confidence when really inside they are probably as insecure as I am. I guess I just don't always hide it too well. 

I often ask myself why I feel this way when I have a lot of wonderful things in my life. I have a wonderful mother who has always stood by my side. I have a wonderful boyfriend who listens to my feelings on a daily basis, never judges me and is always there to tell me everything will be ok. Yet I still feel like I have something missing in my life which makes me feel so lonely. It's something I have never truely had but wish I did. I can't honestly say I have that one best friend, that person who I can call and just go around their house, that person who will see behind my smile and know I'm not always ok. That best friend I can be girlie with and sleepover and drink cocktails and laugh until hurts. That girl who would be my bridesmaid at my wedding.

I ask myself all the time, what is wrong with me? I think I am a good friend-I care a lot about others and making them happy. Is it because I get sad sometimes? Is it because I prefer staying in and watching a film rather than going out clubbing? Do I get too clingy? I ask myself these questions daily. I have friends, of course I do, who are all very precious to me and I treasure the ones who are there when I need them. But I yearn for that special connection and I get so jealous when I see others who have what I don't. That may come across as desperate but I don't care.  I do try, perhaps too hard, with friendships and often that has left me with no one to turn to. I have had bitter experiences in the past where I have given my all with a friendship, only to just be let down. Perhaps it isn't too late to find that person and perhaps I am at a major disadvantage that I never really made life-long friends at school. . Maybe I should accept it and continue to cherish the special people I do have in my life. I do get scared that is too late though-I have shed so many tears which perhaps were wasted ones.

Sorry this post hasn't been as positive as usual. It's just right now, I am sad and I don't feel like posting anything else. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow but that feeling will never go...xoxo