Depression and Me...

So a little bit of a serious blog post today but certainly not negative. The lovely wave of depression has hit me for the past few days-I have come through the other side smiling but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel horrible at the time. I have always been open and honest about the fact I suffer from depression and the fact that sometimes I get good days and sometimes I get bad days. Compared to 10 years ago when it was 80% bad and 20% good, I'd say that has completely flipped and my sadness is much more rare.

When I feel depressed I often feel myself regress back to my youth and feel what I felt back then. I always find it hits me worse in the mornings and lessens as the day goes on. It is a hard feeling to describe to someone who has never felt 'depressed' but I honestly feel that most people have at least once in their life. It is not simply feeling fed up, it is much more than that. It is a feeling of deep sadness that is often for not one particular reason; it takes over your mind and your body to the point where you have to force yourself to do things which normally wouldn't require much effort. It is unbelievably frustrating when you can't pinpoint why you feel how you do and when someone asks "So, why do you feel like that?", sometimes there is no real answer.

Depression can happen to someone who seemingly, on the outside, is perfectly happy. I sometimes am not sure whether you can be happy as well as suffering from depression. I don't get moments of 'mania', I just get moments in my life where I feel content and that I am heading in the right direction.  In fact right now I get many moments where I feel content and I often wonder whether people may think, "Well how can she be so happy yet she suffers from depression?". Well, I see my depression as something that is always underlying but 80-90% can be just 'left' to be and not affect my daily life. I choose to not let it affect my life-I chose to go to university, to get a full time job, to better myself because I felt like that way I was winning and not letting it define me as a person.

As I get older, I get more and more aware of how I feel and even why I feel like I do. Is there is a cause of my depression and anxiety? Is it just something I was born with? I don't know exactly. However I have never been in any denial of what I suffer from and I do feel more proud than ever that despite the 'black cloud' I have become a good, successful person who still manages to be ambitious, try new things and strive for a better life.

I feel much better today. I am looking forward to a lovely date with Michael at the weekend. Sunday is my Grandad's anniversary (8 years) and whilst I am dreading it, I know I have no choice but to get through it. I always bare in my mind that my grandparents are a part of me and would be proud of the life I have made for myself.

xoxo