If you could see me now...

Dear Nanny and Grandad,

It feels weird writing you a letter from a blog-if I said that word to you now you would have no idea what it was, I would have so much to explain to you about how the world has changed.

Nanny, when you left I was 13 years old. I loved Britney Spears and S Club 7, I worked hard in Year 8 and I liked going to school. I wanted to be a West End star and I loved performing. I carried my huge brick mobile phone around me and you could never quite get the hang of this new 'invention' which you could call us on-it was all such a novelty. I am not going to lie, when we lost you we felt like our world had ended and for a long long time it felt like it would never get easier. I couldn't face going to school and perhaps that would have disappointed you but I felt the sort of emotions and grief that even an adult would find too much to handle. The only reason Mum and I kept going was because we had eachother and Grandad. I stopped liking school-they didn't understand my grief and I lost any friends that I had built up over 2 years because I was never there. I didn't expect anyone to understand though, only Mum knew how I felt. I started seeing a counsellor and she helped me express how I felt and when it got to about 2003 I felt a little more able to face life. When I turned 16 and I faced my final year of school, I had to force myself not to give up. You, mum and Grandad hadn't worked that hard to get me into a good school for me to just turn around and fail. So, despite teachers telling me I would never pass my GCSE's because of my absence, I gave them everything I got and I did well. I actually did it. I felt achievement, I got into college and for the first time in years I looked forward to something. Mum and I started going to concerts and meeting new people through a singer called Will Young who was on a reality tv show. Who am I kidding, you wouldn't even know what a reality show was but you would love them I'm sure. I left college after a while because I still felt ridiculously shy and unable to face groups of people. I worked hard again to get into a sixth form college and was prepared to start my journey again.

Grandad, when you left I had just turned 18. I loved Mcfly and I followed celebrities around and to be honest, I think you thought it was a bit ridiculous! I would always tell you about what I got up to and you would laugh. What breaks my heart is that I don't know if I ever expressed to you how much and I love you and what a great Grandad you were. I know you had problems and knowing you were there helped Mum and I deal with our grief. I just hope you know how much you meant and still mean to us. You would be pleased to know that Manchester United are still doing well! We don't follow them though but I will explain why later. Big Brother and I'm a Celebrity is still on TV and I bet you would still watch them now. We still always go to Pizza Hut, I know you love it there! They closed the one in Putney, can you believe! We had many a happy time there. You'll also be really happy to know I have been to Italy! I am going for the 3rd time this year and I wish you were here for me to talk to you about it, it is without doubt my favourite country to visit.

Nanny and Grandad, since you left us, I have been on the biggest journey you could imagine. I spent a lot of days crying, missing you and I still do but mum was there with me every step of the way and she still is. I think you would be happy to know we are still closer than ever. I also have someone else in my life who I think you'd love. When I was 19 I met a man called Michael and we are still together nearly 6 years later. He has made me discover again what happiness is and with him, I feel like I am the best person I could be. I talk to him about you all the time and I think you would love him-he never ever lets me down. He is the genuine, kind man that you always wanted me to find (he hates Manchester United though-sorry Grandad!) I get scared sometimes when I realise that my memories are fading but I can't let that happen. When I look at pictures of you it all comes back to me. When Michael and I have children, it makes me happy to realise that they will have part of you in them.

Just know Nanny and Grandad that I am in a good place and I can honestly say that despite bad days, I have found happiness at last. I can see that there is sunshine behind those black clouds. I know that it is because of you these good things have happened. I am not in the perfect job but  it so rewarding. I make enough money to feel comfortable. Mum is doing so well and I am so proud of her. Michael loves his job, we both work as teaching assistants can you believe! I know that it would make you happy to know that we are ok. That doesn't mean that we don't miss you every day and I truely hope you hear me when I pray to you every night. I thank God that I got to spend so many special childhood years with you. I hope this letter reaches you in someway or another-anything is possible. I love you both always.

Your Grandaughter, Cheryl xx