Dedicated to my Nan...

I thought, today, I would dedicate this small space on the web to somebody who was a huge part of my childhood, somebody I love with all my heart and somebody who I lost 12 years ago tomorrow. This is for my Nan, Betty, who I still miss every day of my life.

I do my best not to reflect too much on such a devastating loss in my life but inevitably, it is not that easy. I don't know if I can say that it's true that time is a healer-of course, everyone keeps moving forward with their life, the world 'goes on' but then sometimes when I truely think, feel and remember my Nan, it feels like only yesterday that we lost her. You see, my Nan was such a big part of my life. She wasn't just a Nan to me, she was my friend, someone who I could turn to for advice and someone who made my childhood such a happy time filled with special memories. I still remember all the times we would just jump on the tube and visit random places. She loved charity shops and we would visit them all over London, she just loved a bargain, sound familiar?! But I still find it difficult to look through photographs, the more recent ones, of my Nan as I can still recall those moments we spent together and I feel the hurt of her not being here now.

I was 13 when I lost my Nan and whilst this was a significant portion of my life-especially my whole childhood and the start of my teenage years, the thing that makes me the most sad is that she hasn't been here for other important moments in my life. Passing my exams, my graduation, my first job, meeting Michael. The thing is though and I don't often share this thought for fear of sounding stupid, I do believe that she has been there and still is there in my life in some way or another. I just feel it. I am not a religious person as such but I believe that her spirit is watching over me, allowing good things to happen but also allowing me to experience all that life is-good and bad. I know she doesn't 'make' things happen but I certainly feel like her presence is STILL here, whether it is part of me or part of something bigger. I can only feel what I feel and it's difficult to describe to anyone else.

What keeps me going is all the wonderful times we shared together and also the fact that as I grow older, I am developing more and more of her ways and her temperament. I have her emotional side and I am sure she would have been first to admit that she thought with her heart, always, even if sometimes the emotions would become overwhealming. That is me too. I carry that trait of hers and whilst it isn't always a great thing to always think with the heart and the emotions, it can sometimes be a wonderful thing. I like to think I have her humour too, her desire just to enjoy life and to see new things-I love travelling, even just a few hours to get out of London and she was exactly the same. I never expected to become so much like her but over the years, it has just happened. And it is a comfort to me because I know that in that sense, she is still going strong through me. Perhaps my children will carry her traits or have her lovely eyes or her slim physique-to me, that would be even better to know that she is moving through generations. 

Most of all, I just hope she knows that there hasn't been a day, a single day, in the last 12 years where I haven't thought about her. Even if it has just been a passing recollection or a moment of sadness where I miss her dearly, she has always been there. She will always be, to me, the best Nan that anyone could have asked for and to have her for those 13 years is something I am so grateful for and something I will treasure for the rest of my life.xxx

This is a very special photo I wanted to share of my Nan and Grandad on their wedding day in 1952-I love it because it captures a moment of their pure happiness together.